Breastfeeding update

After breastfeeding for 3 months, I can honestly say that it was the best "decision" I could have made for my baby. I put decision in quotation marks because it isn't really a decision. It is a baby's right and a mother's responsibility to do whatever she can to give her baby breastmilk.

This doesn't mean that nursing is easy. The first 6+ weeks were really hard and painful and we saw many lactation consultants during that time. EC nursed sometimes 20x a day and each session took between 30 and 75 minutes. Do the math on that. I dealt with rock-hard engorgement and bloody nipples. It wasn't pretty and I swore and cried when she would latch on despite trying to put on a brave face for her. She acted hungry all the time and we didn't know that babies can give hunger cues when they are full but just want to comfort nurse--this led us to doubt my supply and my husband wanted to supplement her with formula because he thought she wasn't getting enough to eat. Thankfully, we just kept counting wet/dirty diapers to verify that she was having as many as she was supposed to. Even though we doubted my supply we trusted the diaper counts and her doctor always says she is doing great and that her weight is what it should be. It's easy to doubt ourselves and get nervous about being solely responsible for feeding this tiny baby without being able to measure how much they are eating, be we need to trust that our bodies and our babies know what they are doing.

Now, I have been breastfeeding for 3 months--nursing when I am with her (the vast majority of the time) and giving her pumped breastmilk when I am away. She nurses every 1-3 hours and each session takes around 15 minutes. So much better than the first month and a half. I don't feel tied down by breastfeeding anymore and nursing is not at all painful anymore. Now when I feed my baby it is a good bonding time for both of us and I am so glad I worked through the initial struggles. She adores nursing and it is so sweet how much she loves milk and how excited she gets to eat. I feel good knowing that I am giving her the best nutrition possible.


I know that some people that choose to give their babies formula would be offended by my statements, but I am a firm believer that there is no reason not to breastfeed unless the mother is too ill to do so or the baby is adopted. I don't mean to offend those mothers who have chosen formula, but I am also not going to edit what I believe because someone may take offense. In many cases where women say they "can't" breastfeed, the baby can still be given breastmilk by pumping (in the case of a tongue-tie) or given breastmilk supplemented with formula (in the case of poor supply). Also, the idea that breastfeeding is "selfish" for the mother because the father can't help feed the baby is crazy. Dads can be as involved as they want to be--bringing the mother pillows or water while she nurses, burping the baby after breastfeeding, or giving expressed bottles of breastmilk. Nursing is the best way to comfort a baby--either with milk or non-nutritive sucking (comfort sucking). Bottles don't let babies suck without getting milk out, so a baby trying to comfort suck on a bottle can end up overeating and with tummy pain. A pacifier can be used for comfort sucking, but that isn't a substitute for skin to skin time with a warm mother, even if the baby is being held.


Despite all of this, I understand that sometimes mothers choose formula to preserve their sanity if they don't have the strength to work through the difficulty. Some mothers may have pain lasting long beyond the 6 weeks that I had, and to be honest I'm not sure how much longer I could have dealt with that. At the very least, we owe it to our babies to try but then we just have to do the best we can at any given time.

Update on balancing grad school and baby

My husband and I successfully made it through the fall semester without putting baby in daycare or getting a babysitter. However, we had lots of help since my husband's dad stayed with us for a month (we still weren't giving her bottles at this point, so I always stayed very close to baby even though my father-in-law would take her for awhile between feedings so I could get other things done).

We are on winter break now, so neither my husband nor I have class, but he started his prelims (a 6 week, huge written exam), so he is furiously writing all day while I take care of the baby and most of the house chores. We managed to work it out so that he will finish his exams before I start mine since it would have been hectic to try to take them overlapping. Despite staggering them, we realized we couldn't handle prelims, classes, a baby, and household work without more help. We didn't want to put EC in daycare since she will only be 3.5 months old when the spring semester starts and still demands almost constant attention and wants to be held most of the day. We know that she would be really unhappy in daycare since the caregivers will have other children to take care of as well and they wouldn't be able to hold her as much as she demands. (Additionally, we didn't get into the daycare we really wanted at the university). At this age, we don't believe in letting her cry without attending to her, even if she doesn't "need" anything. Granted, sometimes it takes a minute to get to her if we are in the middle of something when she gets upset, but we do the best we can to comfort her ASAP.

After lots of thinking, we decided to try to find a part-time nanny to get us through the spring semester. We were lucky that we found someone quickly who seems like she will be loving and affectionate to EC and she seems fine with abiding by all my detailed instructions for how to take care of EC. A nanny is twice as expensive as full-time daycare at the one we are waitlisted for, but we are going to make it work by only having the nanny 20 hours a week instead of 40, so it works out to the same price per month. We think this will be the best for EC since she will have someone caring for her in her own home, with her own toys, and with no other distractions. Also. since my husband and I are taking prelims this semester, we will be able to work from home some of the time, so we are going to try to have someone home while the nanny is there as much as possible. I know it sounds weird to have a nanny while you are home, but the current plan is that whoever is at home working on prelims will work in the basement office uninterrupted while the nanny and baby are upstairs. That way the person working from home will actually be able to get work done but will still be there if the nanny needs something or if the baby gets really upset and needs mommy or daddy. I also plan to nurse her when I take breaks from working, both so that she can nurse (she likes it much better than bottles and tends to comfort nurse a lot) and so that I don't have to pump as much. She will still probably get pumped milk in bottles from the nanny once in awhile when I am home, but I feel bad about having to do that all the time since nursing is so comforting to babies.

We feel good about this decision and are happy we are able to keep her out of daycare but still have help caring for her. We realize now that our original plan to just have the person working on prelims take care of her at home was unrealistic. It may have worked if EC was able to go longer between feedings or fall asleep on her own in her crib, but that is not how she is. She loves cuddling all the time, nurses often, wants to be held while she sleeps, and changes moods frequently. She is a lot of work but we wouldn't change her for anything. It just means that we have to change our original plan and admit that we can't do it all.

“At any moment each person is always doing the VERY BEST he can, based on his total conscious and non conscious prevailing awareness and which is within his capabilities, energy, time, and developed talents and abilities.”

- Sidney Madwed

I think this quote is so true. I feel like I have so much to do that I can't do anything 100%. Of course taking care of EC takes #1 priority and if grad school, cleaning, etc. suffer then that is what has to happen, but of course I want to be able to do everything. I want to succeed at grad school and have been working hard, but sometimes when I finally get EC to take a 20 minute nap on her own, it is just enough time to do laundry and dishes before she needs me again and the journal articles I need to read go unread. Additionally, when I am finally caught up on washing diapers and all the other necessary household stuff and she is in bed, I am too tired to do any schoolwork. I feel guilty watching TV or going to bed at 8:30 when she does, but I'm often too mentally or physically exhausted to work. I'm doing the best I can at parenting and grad school right now, and while that may not be as good as someone else's best, its all I can do in this moment. We could always do more, work harder, or work longer, but we also need to accept our limits.

3 month update

I can't believe baby is 3 months already. EC is at a really cute stage where she is just starting to be able to play with toys and has started to get a bit of that adorable baby chubbiness. She is also sleeping better most nights, but it is variable. Probably 3 times a week she gets up only 2x and the rest of the week varies between 3-5 times a night, but we have more good nights than bad. We are still cloth diapering and nursing/giving pumped milk when I am away.

C-section recovery

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had to have a c-section because EC was breech and the doctor was unable to turn her. Turns out, it was because the cord was wrapped around her neck not once, but THREE times, meaning trying to deliver her vaginally would have been disastrous, so it was lucky we decided on the c-section. I was very upset at needing the c-section because I had planned an unmedicated, natural birth and even took a class to prepare myself. I wasn't even going to have an IV and then I ended up with a spinal, an IV, hooked up to tons of monitors, and abdominal surgery. I was terrified of the surgery and felt like that took away from the excitement of having a baby. I cried out of fear and not joy on the way to the hospital and was a mess on the operating table before it began. Being awake during surgery scared me and I was worried I would have a panic attack.

Surprisingly, the actual surgery was the least miserable part! The build-up was horrible and recovery was a drag, but the actual time on the operating table was no big deal. You can't see or feel what is happening, and it only takes about 10 minutes for the doctor to get the baby out. The other 50 minutes of surgery are putting you back together. Once they got me prepped and the area sterilized for surgery, my husband was able to sit beside me. As soon as the doctor pulled EC out, any concerns I had about the surgery were forgotten, I was just so happy to see her and to see that she was healthy and beautiful and everything we could have hoped for. I could see her as she was cleaned up and completely forgot that the doctors had my stomach wide open on the operating table. There is a picture of me in surgery, smiling ear to ear after she was born, even though the doctors were still sewing me up--that speaks for itself. Because they take the baby out while the doctors finish up the surgery, I told my husband to go with her instead of staying with me and I did fine on my own for the rest of the time. All I could think about was getting to hold my new baby.

Once out of surgery, you are able to nurse in the recovery room, less than an hour after giving birth. The spinal is still active, so there is no pain at this point. The pain sets in after about 3 hours and peaks around day 3. For me, the incision pain was the least of my worries--the most painful part was the gas buildup in my abdomen from all the air that was trapped when they sewed me back up. There is no way to get rid of it until your digestive system starts back up a few days later and the pain even creeps up into your shoulders. Also, I looked 7 months pregnant until a week after giving birth. One month postpartum, I have lost all but 13 of the 60 pounds I gained in pregnancy but still look 3-4 months pregnant. It took a good 4 weeks before I felt like myself again and my incision didn't close for three weeks and still bleeds a bit.

Hints for handling a new baby and grad school

• Realize that you won't be able to handle both for at least a month. As dedicated to your work as you are, a newborn takes up 98% of your day and while I was able to get about 1-2 hours of work a day after the first couple weeks at home with her, I was easily distracted and too tired to do good work. I was able to return to classes after 2 weeks, but babies should be exclusively nursed (with no bottles) for the first month if you can, which limits the amount of time you can be on campus (unless your husband or caregiver can bring the baby to you to nurse).
• Wear your baby. I swear by the Baby K'tan carrier. It has been a lifesaver. EC loves being close to me and snuggling in it and it frees up my hands to type, do laundry, cook, eat, etc.
• Enlist help. This seems obvious, but don't be afraid to ask family and friends for help, whether it is holding the baby while you shower or do laundry or even asking them to do laundry while you hold the baby.
• Find work to do at home. Since you will likely be away from the lab for awhile, this is a good time to work on your computer at home. Apply for grants, brainstorm project ideas, catch up on literature, write a model, work on a manuscript, etc.
• Have someone in your classes take notes and record audio of classes you miss. This means you can keep up in your classes without having to push yourself to go to school before you are ready. Make sure your professor knows that you are keeping up with the class while you are gone. With both written notes and audio, it is almost as good as being there.
• Ignore the class you are teaching and let your sub handle it during your maternity leave. This is a hard one for me because I do care about my students and also because I am a bit of a control freak. I like things done my way and it is hard for me to let someone else take over that may do things differently. However, it has been important for me not to keep checking in on the class and limit myself to logging into the gradebook once in awhile to see how my students are doing.
• Don't let housework slip. This is contrary to all the advice you will get elsewhere. Everyone says, don't worry if the house is dirty, just spend time with your baby. However, chores build up and having a messy house, a crying baby, and being sleep deprived is too much for me to handle all at once. Slowly keeping up with the majority of the chores (not too many dirty dishes in the sink, vacuuming at least every couple weeks, making the bed and keeping the laundry baskets not too full) helps me feel in control. Also, I can do lots of these things while wearing my sleeping baby, so it doesn't cut down on time with her.
  

Surprises during the first month with a new baby

EC is already one month old and, not surprisingly, it has been a HUGE adjustment. My husband and I have been lucky to have his dad staying with us to help with the house and taking care of the baby, but we still feel a bit in over our heads.

So far, the most surprising things have been:

• NURSING: It hurts and it happens every 2-3 hours and each time takes 30 minutes to one hour--leaving very little time for anything else. Everyone tells you that if you are doing it right it won't hurt. I have been to three lactation consultants who tell me EC has a great latch and that there isn't a great reason for why my nipples are bloody and cause me excruciating pain. Also, the engorgement of nursing is no fun--any movement causes pain. Finally, the whole house (and myself) are covered in breastmilk all the time. My clothes are usually soaked and my wardrobe is limited to black clothing or prints that won't show leaking and shirts that are easy to pull down to nurse. While nursing has been a huge struggle, it is also very rewarding and I am willing to bear the discomfort knowing that EC is getting the food that is best for her and that I am able to provide both comfort and nourishment through breastfeeding.
• SLEEP: I knew babies didn't sleep during the night, but I had these visions of sweetly rocking my baby to sleep and waking up every two hours to nurse and then just putting her back in her bassinet to sleep until she was hungry again. However, the reality is more like going to be at 8pm when she does and then every two hours going though the same process of: convince self to get out of bed, pick up fussing baby, walk to nursery, change diaper, nurse baby, rock her to sleep, try to get her to the crib without her noticing and fail, go back to rocker, try again to take sleeping baby to crib and succeed just to have her fill her diaper, change diaper, try to calm down previously sleeping baby who hates diaper changes and unbelievably decides she is hungry again since this whole process has already taken an hour and a half, feed baby, rock baby, get baby to sleep. Repeat after 10-120 minutes. Additionally, she hates laying on her back and won't sleep unless swaddled.
• NOISES: Babies make all kinds of funny noises. EC grunts, snorts, hiccups, farts, burps, gurgles, trumpets, and screeches constantly.
• GERMS: I never knew that if a baby younger than 2 months gets a fever, they are automatically admitted to the hospital for 36 hours for observation because fevers can be deadly in young babies and even the common cold often turns into pneumonia. This has turned me into quite a neurotic mother and I am terrified of her getting sick. That being said, do not even pretend to touch my baby if you don't have permission--I will get very cranky and hose you down with purell.
  

Baby is here!

My sweet baby girl "EC" arrived 9/19/11 via c-section!


A few of the things I love about her:

• constant snuggles
• watching her grow--she changes constantly and each new skill is exciting
• adorable baby clothes
• funny facial expressions
• when she calms down when I hold her--she knows me
• how perfectly miniature all her features are (baby feet anyone?)
• the goofy, lopsided smiles
• the spontaneous changes in mood that keep us on our toes
• how over the moon she is about milk
• how she appears to be surprised by her own movements, hands, etc.
• the "milk drunk" face